Smokey the Magnificent

Failing the Turing Test since 1986

An Alphabetised Guide to Morris

Axis of Evil – a 45- to 90-degree alignment along which Morris likes to lie at night, for the purpose of minimising parental bedspace

Bedpigs – a chronic infestation, generally most acute in the early morning and along the Axis of Evil.

Continental Drift – when a nappy works its way around the squish so as to expose an entire porcine buttock to the elements

Dactyling – a barbaric, continuous, ear-splitting yawp of Enthuse, named for its resemblance to the cry of a pterodactyl

Enthuse – the overflowing life-force of a Morris, manifesting itself in dactyling, tromping and undirected but intense excitement. Enthuse frequently bursts forth at curtains and ceiling-fans, thus lending credence to the theory that Morris, while fat and pleasing, is a bit of a thicko.

Facial Fats – Morris’ prime export. Self-explanatory, except to note that when consoling a Morris, it is polite to sing this song, to the animated Spider-Man theme tune:

Facial fats, facial fats

Tiny Morris has facial fats

Some like dogs, some like cats

We like babies with facial fats

We doooooo… we likes ’em when they splats!

Fontanelle – Morris’ off-switch. How did I not know about this before? Sleeping through the night rocks!

Helium Bottom – a serious medical condition in which, during milksing, a baby’s posterior rises gently skywards and begins to sway in the breeze. Actually, to date, Morris is not afflicted with Helium Bottom. In this respect he is a better baby than either of his siblings.

Morris – the babe in question. Known aliases: Morris Minor, Señor, Young Sir, Fatty-Boom-Boom, Short Stack, Heffalump, the Exceptional Fatsome-Sausage, Thumb-Sucking Fool, Small Fry, Creature-Beast, Blobfish, Tiny, Fish-Sticks, and basically any other combination of words which comes to hand when one’s brain is temporarily dazzled at the sight of Morris’ mighty thighs.

Neck-cheese – a uniquely piquant superfood formed between chins 3 and 4 from milks deemed surplus to requirements. See Scummy-button.

Odorflowing – a term coined by my small sister to describe the rejection by Morris of perfectly good milks

Saturated fats – Morris on a hot day.

Scummy-button – a baby’s navel between washings (see Neck-cheese)

Spoon of Justice – Morris’ preferred wielding item. Uniquely, and this is deep, man: unlike many magical artefacts – the Lasso of Truth or Mjölnir, for instance – any spoon, correctly wielded, can be the Spoon of Justice.

Squissues – Pronounced ‘squishues’, squissues are simply issues of the squish: a woeful continuum ranging from constipoops through pesto-poops, boips and pootles to squirtles. Squissues are Morris’ leading cause of sadness and require him to be thoroughly wrung out, folded up, twisted, turned upside-down and occasionally balanced on his tum on someone’s head. The Enthuse of a Morris whose squissues have been resolved has to be seen (or, at a greater distance, heard) to be believed.


  1. mother

    What happened to Titanic-Tum? Or Uber-Babe? Voluptuosity. Witlle Wuvliness. And the rest. I can’t do everything for you!

  2. Krissy

    When Eldest Child was young she spit up like a faucet. So for Halloween we dressed up as The Voluntary Dairy. I make the milk, she makes the cheese.

    We grossed everyone out. I thought it was hilarious. 😀

    Thank you for sharing your baby lingo.