Smokey the Magnificent

Failing the Turing Test since 1986

34 Weeks

And a half.

My physical degeneration has now become actually comical. I’ve been suffering, for instance, from bouts of pregnancy insomnia. A friend kindly recommended chamomile tea; but that’s no good, because drinking liquids causes my stomach contents to slosh acidly up into my throat even despite the Ranitidine, meaning the only way to avoid heartburn is to maintain a state of chronic dehydration: and you know what that’s not good for? Low blood pressure. Yep, that’s still going on. This morning we ventured, I dunno, three hundred metres to the walnut tree to collect walnuts. Between the walk and the stooping I came over all faint on the way home and would have had a nice lie-down, except I’m in the middle of making fudge and bread dough, neither of which lend themselves to neglect.

Remember Rachel Lynde’s dire condemnation: “She washes her dishes sitting down“? Well, I’ve one-upped whoever it was by not washing the dishes at all; but everything else I’ve taken to doing more or less horizontally. I sit while chopping apples, lie down to administer Rowan’s spelling tests, and completely fall asleep while she’s reading me Pippi Longstocking for English. If I could figure out a way to be actually comatose while making dinner, I’d do it.

On the bright side, I think I’ve managed to partially stave off baby brain by maintaining a constant alertness as to the windows of time in which I can take my drugs. Ranitidine, for instance, cannot be taken within two hours of calcium or iron supplements. I’m not *on* calcium supplements, but I am craving milk like a freak; but I can only drink it if I’m not planning to nap or do Hypnobabies (ie nap) for the next few hours, because it aggravates my heartburn. (Oh, you found milk helped your heartburn? Allow me to hiss my congratulations.) And iron, of course, is best taken with Vitamin C, which also aggravates my heartburn. Then I’m supposed to take my probiotics with meals, and my iodine… any time, actually, that one’s not so bad… and my Fluoxetine late at night to minimise its drowsifying effects, but not *too* late at night because I have to swallow it with water, and again, heartburn. Which is also a consideration for the raspberry leaf tea I’m meant to be downing by the gallon to prevent my uterus becoming flabby and useless, presumably from following the example of the rest of me. And I haven’t even bought zinc yet to combat PPD and promote bonding, which – if animal trials can be extrapolated – means I am probably going to roll on and/or eat my young. And that being the case, why even bother with vitamin D? Cannibalistic sow-mothers don’t deserve to be happy and strong-boned.

This had better be one heck of a baby, is what I’m saying.

  1. Krissy

    Thank you for this reminder of why I hated pregnancy. I have baby fever and reality is awesome to dampen that sucker.

  2. smokering

    Don’t get cocky; I’ll be posting newborn pics sometime pretty soon! :p

  3. Krissy

    And I will cry and mourn my fruitless womb. 🙁

    Darn you.

  4. smokering

    Cheer up; it might be a *very* ugly baby. Then you can be all “Whew, dodged a bullet there”.

    Although really, despite the undeniable horrors of pregnancy, I’m probably the worst person to put you off having another baby if you want one. ‘Cause babies are awesome. You can put them in hooded onesies with ears and take them to Disneyland. And you’ve always wanted a boy, haven’t you? Go on. :p I’ll sew it something tiny, even!

  5. Krissy

    Can’t. I hemorrhaged in such a way that I would probably die. 🙁

  6. Smokering

    Well, that… is a good point. Yikes.

    Back to consolation, then: it’s 3:21 AM and I’m surfing the internet because I can’t sleep, and also because if I do go back to bed my heartburn will kick in again, because even though the meds are supposed to last for 12 hours they seem to take temporary uprightness as a reset button.