Smokey the Magnificent

Even though the snortlepig pesks me all to hell, I like her. Here are some reasons why.

1. When she’s chillin’ with me on the couch and wants to go somewhere else, she’ll say “Back inna second!” as she scuttles away.

2. Sometimes, when she is having the milks and I ask her to come off, she will bury her face in the milks and cover her eyes with her fat wee hand. And I’m like “Dude, you’re latched on, you can’t pretend you’re not there”, and she looks at me with beady eyes between her fingers, and then I hold her nose until she unlatches and she laughs and laughs and says “‘gain!”, and it is amoosing.

3. The other day, she was stirring a pat of butter and some onions around a saucepan and chattering away. And suddenly she looked down at the pot and squeaked “Oh, where’s a butter a go?” and started hunting round the onions trying to find it.

4. She reads Helpdesk Man’s comics over his shoulder and points out all the cloaks.

5. She is immensely fond of The Pirates of Penzance, and sings “Come, friends, a plow a sea, Dooce a luss a Jason, take a duck a Jason” many times a day.

6. She understands the concept of not having things in the cupboard. If she wants crackers and I say “We don’t have any” she says “All gone. Later” and is perfectly philosophical about the matter.

7. She feeds us things she is eating, even things she loves very much.

8. She knocks on Flatmate Man’s door and says “Come a dinner! Dinner time!”

9. She demands I look up photos of “Diseymand” on the computer, and shows a healthy appreciation for Mickey Mouse and the “dresses”.

10. She says “fingums” instead of fingers, and “pengums” instead of penguins.

11. She strides up to random cats and picks them up without fear or a by-your-leave. They do not bite her.

12. She puts away the knives and forks from the dishwasher, and is fairly efficient, even pointing out the forks with smeg baked on ‘em; but sometimes she will get distracted flirting with her reflection in the back of a spoon.

13. When we remove her clothes she will run to the nearest person available, leap into a starfish position and say “NAKED!” with a look of immense glee. This disconcerted Flatmate Man a bit the first time.

14. Whenever I ask her “Are you my friend?”, which I do a lot, probably ’cause I was a middle child and Forcibly Weaned, she says firmly “Yes. Friends a Daddy too”.

15. Sometimes she wakes up from a sound sleep and says things like “Rhinos!” or “Cats are great!” and then goes back to sleep.

16. Whenever Helpdesk Man goes out, she makes sure he does not forget to give me a kiss and also one for her. If he does, she shouts at him out the door in garbled distress until he comes back.

17. The other day she went through Helpdesk Man’s bag after he came home from the supermarket and exclaimed in tones of rapture “Oh my goo’ness, MUSHROOMS!”

18. At singing group practice last week, she joined in on Panis Angelicus, resulting in several false starts as we couldn’t figure out who was off-key. Her Latin was good, though.

19. She is still convinced she patted the “winos” at the zoo.

20. I dunno, really. 19 seemed a silly number to leave off at. Her cheeks are nice. And she dances. She started waggling her bottom in her sleep the other day when a rap song came on during a movie.

Anyway. I will keep her for the nonce.

It seems I forgot to update on my Medical Situation of Doom. Well, it turns out that not all healthcare practitioners keep virgins locked in their basement and howl at the moon. The doctor I saw was pleasantly tartany and consoling, hunted out a speculum a quarter of the size of the previous one, scoffed at the idea my cervix was hard to find and indicated by slight though not disloyal hints that she, too, thought the Nurse From Hades could use a stint in the Iron Maiden. It turns out my cervix is peachy awesome, and in her doctorly opinion the only reason it had looked inflamed the last time is that the nurse had bungled and assaulted it. Words cannot describe, etc.

Anyway, this is in the past and we shall move on to happier and less cervical topics.

I made a cake (for instance). Tomorrow is the twenty-first birthday of practically my only sister, who is autistic and therefore should not, according to the textbooks, be inviting upwards of a hundred people to the accompanying bash. (How many people came to my twenty-first? Like, ten. Including me and a foetus. All blood relations, again, including the foetus.) My mother cunningly inveigled me into making and icing the cake, back when I thought this was a modest twenty-person shindig; and now - a hundred icing flowers, nine cups of sugar, 1.5 kilos of butter and two significant mishaps later - the thing is done. It is large. And purple. Not my fault, in both cases. I tried to take a photo so I could be like those bloggers that make things, but it came out blue (which was depressing, because it actually looked a lot better than the current colour scheme) and I couldn’t find the camera cable, and then the pig wanted the milks and I got distracted looking up Hypnobabies, which I’m totally going to do next time I have a pig, but I will still call them “contractions” and not “power surges” because good heavens, who do you think I am.

Also I made butterscotch straciatella ice cream, tomato oregano bread and marbled chocolate-orange cheesecake. ‘Cause after Becky’s party we are coming straight home to have another one, this one for me. I turn twenty-four on Thursday. A near-as-dammit quarter-century, and I’m still not clear on the role Japan played in World War Two or what happened in the movie Primer.

I leave you instead with a thought that gives me daily succour: “It’s pow’ful hard ter po’ outer a bung hole inter a go’de”.

Today we were woken up at cock-crow by a telephone. We ignored it twice before I leapt out of bed the third time, thinking perhaps it was Editors wanting to make me rich. I should have known that no reputable person rings up before 9 in the morning.

Remember my cervical smear? Yeah. Horror and carnage, that’s the one. Well, I received my reluctant admission via post that I am free of both cancer and chlamydia, and thought this was the end of it (making, meanwhile, a private resolution to skip next year’s one at all costs, even if it meant giving birth). Well, it turns out the Nurse from Hell, who by rights should have committed seppuku after my previous visit, was not only unrepentant but in fine fettle. Apparently, even though my results were normal, the angel Moroni appeared to her in a blaze of weaponised hallucinogens and convinced her that my cervix had given her lip (heh) and must be punished. And since then, as she told me in horrifically mumsy tones, probably while shining up her broomstick with a freshly-skinned chinchilla, she just hadn’t felt quite right about it, and had decided to book me in for a “wee chat” with a doctor. A WEE CHAT. I don’t think so. Oh, that’s right, two sentences later - a “look-see”. You malevolent adjectival noun, thought I.

Faculties paralysed with the horror and indignity of this chutzpah, I tried my best “No means no” diplomacy for the next seven minutes. I tried the “No, I do not want to join your cult” approach; I tried the tones of “I’m flattered, but I have a husband at home and you just puked in my handbag”; I attempted the “Thank you, we don’t actually own a television and I’ve just got dinner on” method, and even the “I really don’t think I’ve won the British lottery, and since when was it headquartered in Nigeria?” skepticism. To no avail, of course. She booked me in for 2:45 tomorrow.

All I can say is, I’d better smegging well HAVE cancer or at least a decent dollop of flesh-eating bacteria, or I will sue her squamous, conscientious little chumpy all the way to the morgue.

Also, I hate life. And what freakish kind of wench finds herself worrying about someone else’s cervix WEEKS after the fact?? She’s a nurse, for heaven’s sake! Doesn’t she have gang members coming in with hypodermic syringes sticking out of their eyeballs to worry about? Surely the odd case shows up that blows my normal test results out of the water on terms of severity, say, I dunno, the common cold?

For the last seven days or so I have been suffering from what Helpdesk Man informs me is a low-grade flu. For all I know it’s very low-grade leprosy or homeopathic ebola, but I will take his word for it. It is not unto death, just enough to prevent me from being productive and bouncy. Helpdesk Man has been a trooper throughout - this morning he took off his T-shirt in bed so I could blow my nose on it. We were out of hankies. See above re productivity. Anyway, marriage is a wonderful institution.

Actually I haven’t been totally unproductive. I have been well enough to knit, a few feeble inches at a time, and during my Week of Moop I not only completed a bowtie scarf but started a pair of armpit-length fingerless gloves using a snazzy diagonal eyelets stitch, the success of which has impressed my lurgy-addled brain immensely.

Also, I went to a party. Not this week. Before. It was a Mad Hatter’s Tea Party, and in a fit of brilliance two days before it I decided to go as the Queen of Hearts. So I bought an impressively vile red prom dress from the op shop and thought “I shall make an overskirt out of playing cards, for this will be Simple and Speedy”. It wasn’t, but thanks to a very long church AGM and the sweatshop skills of my tiny sisters, I got it done. The pig went as a single card, which actually was simple and speedy, but only because my little sisters did it themselves during said AGM.

Here do am be the pig, and myself twirling with Alice, the birthday girl.

K?

Yesterday I woke up with a headache and sore throat. For the past two days I have lounged around the house mooply, sipping ginger beer and ignoring my new writing schedule. Ten minutes ago I decided to get back into the swing of things, so pulled out a shirt from the wardrobe and put it on. A wasp stung me on the back. I am now back on the couch, clutching ice to my wounded flesh. My mother, to put this in perspective, is on holiday in Brisbane visiting the Australia Zoo. Some can. At least if she gets bit it’ll be by something impressive, like a cougar.

Today I was productive. I got up early (well, 8:45, which turned out to be two hours earlier than Helpdesk Man and the snortlepig), zoomed through my writing for the day, started (or Step Threed, technically) a sourdough loaf and breadsticks, made veggie soup for lunch, hewed a foam mattress in half and began constructing a cover for it (it’s to end its days as a squab on our window seat), then got distracted and started knitting a bowtie scarf. And now I gotta make chicken curry and watch Breakfast at Tiffany’s. And do something about the other half of the foam mattress. Anyone want half a dead foam mattress? It would be useful if you hated Helpdesk Man and wished to perform juju on his dead skin cells. Or if you wanted to clone him or something. Or if you were under the kind of gunfire that didn’t seem to warrant a complete mattress. Or if you had an incredibly narrow child. Or if you wanted to make a really rubbish teddy bear, or a moderately realistic mega-sammich. I’m not judging. I just want to get rid of it. Maybe I should make an auxiliary squab for Christmas, with holly on. Wouldn’t that make me the best wife ever?

Pair Three dried in time. But it turned out that was the least of my worries. Have you ever had a cervical smear? Crikey! The pamphlet told me it could cause “discomfort”, clearly using the same line of thinking as the chap who penned the immortal phrase “War is just a wee little bit like, kind of, you know, hell, but toned down a lot and really not so bad actually, you’ll like the food”.

I had to do it twice.

It was all the bally nurse’s fault. She wanted to test me for chlamydia.

Me: “No, that’s OK, I’m pretty sure I don’t have chlamydia.”

She (kindly but firmly): “Oh, yes, well I’m not saying you do, but it’s never a bad idea to check”.

Me: “Really, I don’t mind skipping this one, the chances-”

She (kindlier but firmlier): “Well, while we’re in there we’ll just take a swab, shall we?”

Me (feeling more and more like a streetwalker in denial, and I wasn’t even wearing Pair 1): “Um, I don’t think it’s necessary to test for that.”

She: “I’ll just tick the box”.

Me (meekly): “Mkay.” (Thinking: Oh well, at least it’s free.)

On the experience itself, though it has great literary potential, we shall not dwell. I tried employing the mental technique of going to my Happy Place - in a pinch, Disneyland - but it didn’t help, and will probably give me post-traumatic flashbacks on the Matterhorn. When it was over and I was trying to collect the shattered remnants of my psyche, the nurse suddenly said “Ooh! I forgot to take the swabs”.

Note: this always happens to me. The only time a blood test didn’t involve three tries was when I had high blood pressure from pre-eclampsia and the blood spurted out and splattered the bedsheets pleasingly.

Me: “These would be the chlamydia swabs?”

She: “Yes, I got distracted. I’m very sorry. Ach! Let me just pop some more gloves on.”

Me (fighting the urge to kick her in the face and dash for the door, leaving Pair 3 to their fate): “I’m really very happy to skip those.”

She: “No, no, no, while we’re here, good idea to do them.”

Me: “Really? ‘Cause I really don’t think I have chl-”

She (snapping the gloves on threateningly): “Let’s just do them quickly. Now, this’ll be easy - you won’t tense up this time, because you know what I’m about to do.”

Me: *hysterical yelp at the absurdity of this remark*

Some minutes later, I limped down to Reception to give them the form. The woman looked at me sullenly.

“Are you paying today, love?” she said.

“I thought it was free,” said I, pointing to the “BALANCE: $0.00″ on the sheet.

“Cervical smears aren’t free, love.”

$28.

Today, a thing of doom occurred. After successfully avoiding the medical centre’s reminders about having a cervical smear for nearly five years, a wily nurse rang up this morning and shamed me into a booking at 2:30.

This in itself is enough to cast a pall over an otherwise pleasing Wednesday, but it gets worse. After I got off the phone I realised, what with the weather we’ve been having lately, I am so behind on the washing that my underwear options are limited to three.

So, gentle readers, tell me: which would you rather wear to your inaugural cervical smear?

1. A G-string. I am not a G-string person, as tangibly illustrated by the fact that the snortlepig pulled off the wee pearly bit of bling at the front. Nevertheless, this single specimen of its type (black, lacy), by virtue of never being worn, is available. But it rather seems like overdressing.

2. A pair of enormous white cotton granny pants, bought by mistake in a packet which origami-ed them into a far less tent-like shape and implied that the bulk of the packet signified many pairs of knickers, not one really really big pair.

3. A pair of perfectly respectable black stretchy knickers, vaguely sporty, casual, neither risque nor Amish - but still on the line and slightly damp.

You perceive the Gordian knot of my dilemma? The knicker-twist, as the Greeks should have called it? Unless Pair 3 dries in the next two hours, I must face a member of the respected medical community in garb which makes me look either like a woman of the late afternoon or my own Aunt Mabel. If I had one. Which I do not.

These are the times, etc.

Today Helpdesk Man and I sallied forth, pig in tow, on a cast iron pot mish. Our previous frying pan (Analon anodised aluminium, we’re looking at you!) had begun to flake Teflon into the food and smell vaguely rubbery when heated. And then there was the matter of Helpdesk Man growing fingers out of his armpits and the pig speaking Cantonese for an hour every time she had a fried egg. So it was time.

We didn’t get Le Creuset, partly because of the half-mortgage price tags, but also because they’re enamelled and we liked the idea of absorbing iron into the food, which apparently happens with true cast iron. (And a similar thing with Teflon, apparently…) Incidentally, I may have been pronouncing Le Creuset wrong my entire life. Leh Crusoe, I thought it was, like the chappie - but the lady in the shop pronounced it Lah CrooSAY, which now I think about it makes more sense with the spelling. I am deeply shamed.

Nice pots, though. The Old Lodge, pre-seasoned, black, could kill a man. And a whisk, because our old one was of feeble construction and one wire kept pinging out and hitting you in the eye. We needed a new fish slice too, after Helpdesk Man used it to swat flies one time and I said “Don’t do that, it’ll break” and he scoffed at me and then it broke, but the pig was pesking around the shop and we forgot. The lady gave us a free teatowel, though, to wrap ourselves in on those cold winter nights under a bridge due to having spent all our money on cast iron pots.

I want a grain mill, also.

Further along the crunchy front, tomorrow I will be in possession of milk and water kefir grains. It is a little scary, like finding a chinchilla on your doorstep. I’m not sure how to make them not die, and I’ve never tasted… them, and what if I don’t like ‘em?

Also, becoming tired of my own stagnancy and lack of fame and riches (see above re grain mill), I am hereby setting up a writing schedule for me to stick to. I don’t want to, mind you. It sounds ghastly. But the one-hour-of-housework thing has worked surprisingly well this year, so here goes.

So.

Until I complete these goals every day (Monday to Friday), I will not surf the Internet:

• 20 minutes of Suite101 writing/editing/publishing
• 10 minutes of UTH editing/writing
• 10 minutes of marketing, ie. queries or invoices
• 10 minutes writing print articles, if they are due in 2 weeks or less (obviously, it will take longer once the deadline looms, but this will help, one hopes)
• 15 minutes writing fiction
• 10 minutes writing/researching/find agents for my non-fiction book

Making 75 minutes in all. This is a lot. But my ability to read xkcd depends upon it. And when I look back on my wispy existence in twenty years’ time, will I wish I had spend less time writing and more time googling “really awesome coat”? Probably not. I may wish I’d eaten more dietary fibre or refrained from trying to knock over a bank with a Sharpie, but those are different issues.

I feel virtuous already. Gonna go put trousies on, and everything.

Today I won a game of poker against three persons all older and more masculine than myself. It was very thrilling. I only became the big stack late in the game when I got several hundreds with two pair, Queens high against two pair, Jacks high - and then Helpdesk Man got lucky when Flatmate Man went all in and it was just the two of us, heads-up, eyeing each other over the chips in a Tracy/Hepburn sort of way, and we both played uber-cautiously for a bit until we got hungry for dinner, bleeding chips back and forth because the blinds have been raised sky-high, and ended up both going all in on a very dubious river with a combination of bluff and to-heck-with-it, but he had a pair of sevens and I had a pair of eights, and hah!

Also, the pig is picking up some of the nuances of the game. I’m pretty sure opponents of child-led weaning might say that when a toddler can rap on the table to check on their mother’s behalf, while having the milks, the world has become a slightly scarier place.