So I finally got around to making a birth plan. The rules for a good birth plan, according to many a noble blog, are simple: state wishes unequivocally yet tactfully, keep it succinct, bold key phrases, and stick to important issues rather than nitpicking over minor things. I think I have done a good job.
Smokering’s Birth Plan
Congratulations on being privileged to attend the birth of our miracle baby! To enhance the experience of Smokering and her husband during this sacred time, we ask that all staff read and comply with these guidelines (under penalty of a vague legal threat).
-Smokering would prefer dim lighting during the birth. For her comfort, the walls of the birthing room should be a subdued olive green.
- As Smokering will be Hypnobirthing, all staff are requested not to use negative childbirth terminology - “labour”, “contractions”, “rectal prolapse”, “haemmorhage”, “woman” and so forth. Guidelines for positive birth terminology are as follows:
- Contractions are to be referred to as “squeezles”.
- A first- to third-degree tear shall be referred to as a “love nick”. Staff are, however, permitted to refer to a fourth-degree tear as a “boo-boo”.
- For reasons Smokering does not wish to discuss, the cervix shall euphemistically be referred to as the “uterus” and vice versa. The umbilical cord shall be called the “spleen“.
- Speaking of the baby’s “descent” invokes images of a horrific hell dimension. Please speak instead of the baby “reverse ascending“.
- Conversely, any staff member wishing to discuss vaccinations or silver nitrate with Smokering must refer to them respectively as “death stabs” and “lava goop“.
-In the case of emergent transfer (or “baby’s first holiday“), Smokering is concerned that the baby not be exposed to the harsh sound of an ambulance siren. She therefore requests that the birth centre keep an ice cream truck on standby during labour.
-Smokering wishes to consume the placenta after birth; please notify the birthing centre kitchen that she is not fussy about preparation methods, but asks that any accompanying sauce be free of MSG and trans-fats.
-Staff should be aware when emptying the birth pool that it may contain some tropical fish. These are the babies’ spirit guardians and under no circumstances are to be flushed.
-Smokering will be declining conventional methods of pain relief. Rather than offering her drugs or an epidural, she would prefer staff members encouraged her comfort with original verse, generous donations and vigorous theological debate.
-In keeping with the venerable Chinese practice of zuo yue zi, Smokering will remain at the birthing centre for forty days instead of the usual two. During this time she is not permitted to bathe or wash her hair; staff may need to negotiate with the Board of Health on her behalf. Smokering would prefer not to be disturbed regarding this matter.
-As privacy during the birthing time is very important, Smokering’s husband will fit the birthing room out upon arrival with a device that triggers a moderate electric shock every time a staff member attempts to cross the threshold. In the event of an emergent situation, staff are advised to use visualisation and breathing techniques to eliminate any discomfort while entering.
-Smokering appreciates the staff’s willingness to discourage untimely or unwanted visitors to the birthing couple. However, out of sympathy for the staff’s doubtless heavy workload, Smokering and her husband have hired a private professional for this purpose. His name is Sven and staff members are advised to keep a wide berth. Should any lactation consultant or doula need to pass Smokering’s room in the hallway, it is recommended she distract Sven with a bit of raw beefsteak and then run like hell.
-Smokering would prefer all birth-related bodily fluids to be returned to her rather than discarded, in the form of a piece of artwork made by birthing centre staff for the baby’s bedroom wall. The theme is “Racial Harmony“. The final piece should measure 6′ by 3′.
-Due to past issues with covert government organisations, Smokering will view any questions regarding the baby’s sex, name, weight or wellbeing as potentially hostile. Staff are advised to keep any conversation to neutral topics, such as overfishing and adrenoleukodystrophy.
-Smokering asks that the baby not be weighed or measured after birth according to the reductionist, patriarchal metric measurement system. In the interests of data collection, she permits her midwife to record the baby’s height or weight in comparison to mythological creatures, ie. “as long as a baby bunyip” or “about as much heft as a good-sized dragon fewmet”.
-Staff are strongly discouraged from interrupting the bonding process in any way, ie. with sudden movements, loud colours, dissident political opinions, asymmetrical facial features &c. Staff should be aware that an uninterrupted bonding process is very important to Smokering; if disturbed, she will discard the baby and start again.
Finally:
-Smokering and her husband would like to reassure staff that they are aware childbirth can be a process full of unexpected events. In the interests of flexibility, the birthing couple will be bringing along 12 pounds of nori, a portable chest freezer, one gross canned sardines, one gross chlorine tablets, and a pair of biohazard suits. In the event of an emergency, staff are requested to fend for themselves. Luck favours the prepared.
