Smokey the Magnificent

Failing the Turing Test since 1986

Lazily Copied From Facebook

Because I can.

Miles, early this morning, trying to show me pictures in a book while I was still half-asleep: “Mummy, looka dat! Is a steamroller! Looka dat! Mummy! I talkin’ a you! Mummy! PICK UP YOU EYES!”

* * * *

At the zoo today:

Me: “Hey Miles, look at the lemurs! Aren’t they funny? Look, that’s one’s jumping! Hasn’t he got a fluffy tail?”
Miles, after staring for a moment: “I want to see the dragons.”

* * * *
Me at health food store: “Hey, do you have anything for psoriasis?”
Lady, grabbing a bottle of Verm-Ez: “Now, this one’s *wonderful*. You might think from the name it’s for de-worming, but it actually works on a whole variety of parasites.”
Me, with the politeness born of fear: “Erm, isn’t psoriasis autoimmune?”
Lady: “Oh yes, I think it is, but you know, I had one lady come in who’d be treated for skin cancer for *fifteen years*, and after a week of this she saw improvement, and after two weeks it was completely gone.”
Me: “…”
Lady: “You know, when you think about it’s really silly – we de-worm our pets twice a year, but we don’t think about it for ourselves.”
Me: “…Yes. Um, do you know of anyone who’s used this specifically for psoriasis?”
Lady: “Not specifically, but as I say, this lady’s skin cancer was *completely gone*. I recommend this to everyone who comes in. It’s wonderful. Now, *externally*, we have a lovely soothing cream here for itchy skin.”
Me: “It’s not itchy, I just want it to go away.”
Lady: “Absolutely! I’ll put these on the counter for you so you can continue shopping.”

The terrible thing is, I bought both of them. She was waiting for me at the counter and I didn’t have the heart not to. I am a craven excuse for a human being. But at least I’ll soon be parasite-free.

* * * *
Miles, putting a bucket on his head: “I bein’ a MAN!” Uh, sure.

* * * *
So today I was trying to take headshots of Helpdesk Man for a business page of his, or something. His modelling skills are even worse than my photography skills, so the session mostly consisted of me wildly pressing buttons while saying “No, stop looking smug. Don’t hunch your shoulders. Put your head on straight. No, now you look like a raptor. There’s a pole growing out of your head. Maybe you should try a hat”, and similar encouraging remarks.

Then on a whim I asked him to give a sultry pout; whereupon the camera, which had previously identified him as Foliage, suddenly recognised his face… as me.

This is disturbing on many levels.

* * * *
Snortlepig: “Is anyone coming for dinner tonight?”
Me: “No, just us.”
Snortlepig: “Well, that’s good, because now we don’t have to clean the house!”
Me: “Ha! –Actually we do, because Annika’s coming around for her baking lesson this afternoon.”
Snortlepig: “Oh doom! We’re done for.”

* * * *
Me: “Miles, I saw you through the window when you were outside just now. What were you looking up at? Was there a birdie?”
Miles: “I lookin’ up sayin’ “Hi sky!”, like dat.”

* * * *
Miles, muttering to himself after failing yet again to balance a cloth on his head: “I incompetent.”

* * * *

Miles, weeping: “I bonk my head!”
[Demonstrates by getting on his hands and knees and bashing his face into the ground.]
Miles, weeping harder: “I bonk my chin!”

  1. Krissy

    Thanks for entertaining us non-facebook users. 😀